Looking through old records from my back surgeries to help finish one of the chapters in the book was like being transported back in time. I was flooded with memories of the pain and heartache but also the laughter and determination, of both myself but more importantly of my family and friends. Through this search, I found a paper I had written after my first back surgery when I was 14. Towards the end of the paper was a paragraph that frankly brought me completely full circle. Reading it to myself I took a knowing deep breath, felt the chills of goose bumps and felt the sense of all is exactly as it should be fill my soul. In it I write, “I lost a lot of things because of all this. I lost dreams, I lost friends, I lost my dancing career and I even lost some faith and trust. But I also gained some things too... And I began to dream new dreams. I also gained a new outlook and attitude on life.”
Like, I’ve written before, my life has been the embodiment of starting over, of redefining. A constant lesson of learning how to not only let go and accept but also of how to put one foot in front of the other and dream new dreams.
Is this resiliency inborn? Is it a result of how my parents wholeheartedly raised me? Is it the result of trauma at a young age? What I can be sure of now, is that it is probably all of the above but that it is also something that we all can choose. Something we all must choose.
Life is difficult and people are complicated, terrible things happen and none of us come of out this unscathed. All of us have the bumps and bruises of this amazing thing called life. Having 2 back surgeries, surviving IVF without becoming a mother and losing 3 babies are my bumps and bruises. The only thing left to do is pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other, fully embracing my story and all of who I am. And truthfully, I believe, this is something we all must eventually choose. We all must choose to change. We all must choose to grow. This doesn’t mean it isn’t painful, uncomfortable or at times downright torturous and full of fear, it just means we get to find our ever upward.