I will fully admit I had a rough day yesterday. I wallowed. I really wallowed for a bit.
Going to the OB/GYN is never fun for a woman, but it can definitely be hell for a childless woman. Let alone getting news that is it quite possible that IVF triggered my useless ovaries to develop painful cysts which are now causing major back pain, and having to remind my team of doctors that IVF didn’t work for us, there is no baby, and yes we are done trying.
“It's not fucking fair.”
Then life somehow pulls you out if, but only if you have your eyes wide open to it.
I had some amazing sessions with clients. I reminded myself of my own session with my therapist. The puppies finally played in the deep snow and made me laugh just when I needed to. And three of my favorite little boys left me a voicemail and sent me a video text message.
As my therapist reminded me earlier this week, “You have chosen what to do with all of this. You could never not be Ever Upward; always growing, learning, changing, educating, evolving, and figuring it out. “
And she’s right
I didn’t get to choose that I would spend a year of my life in a body cast after two back surgeries. I didn’t get to choose that IVF did not work for us. And I definitely didn't choose that my body feels like it is rebelling against my childless status right now.
But I can choose resiliency. I can choose to speak the truth about IVF and loss. I can choose to connect with others through our stories. I can choose where I go from here and who I want to be. I can choose my ever upward.
My clients also reminded me this week as they continue to fight for themselves, change for the better and not be their pasts, their struggles, traumas or losses.
I choose to fight too.
My dogs reminded me to get out of my head and to just laugh; watching them play in the snow is pure joy.
I choose joy.
And finally, three of my favorite kiddos, begging me to come play Just Dance 2014… well nothing makes me smile more than that.
I choose love (and fun).
Life, God, Mother Nature, Humanity, whatever you believe in, will always send us the message to remind us that there is a higher purpose to our journey.
We simply have to be open enough to choose it.
So wallow, but just for a bit, we are totally allowed.
But be careful of sitting in the shit for too long, you just might miss the message; the moment of pure joy, the love, the choice of your ever upward.