I started the week off with the lingering panic of failure that had crept in last week.
My, oh shit people could actually read this book and hate it and judge it; hate and judge me, feeling from several weeks ago shifted last week.
This fear of judgment morphed into the panic of failure. The panic of, oh shit my numbers aren't high enough to sell a book. The panic of not catching the break I've been fighting for incessantly.
The panic of failing
Does that mean I am a failure? That Ever Upward is a failure?
My failure in Ever Upward is not wrapped up in fame or money. I could care less about both.
It is wrapped up in not enough people finding this message, which could mean the people who need it most never find it.
And, I'm a helper.
I can't not help.
Ever Upward is not only my light to this world to shine onto the darkness of the shamed silence of infertility and recovery. It is also my light of help. It's my soul. It is what I can't help from coming out of me everywhere I go, no matter who I meet.
My constant mantra has been, everything is unfolding just as it is supposed to be because God's timing is perfect and I am enough. I know this statement to be true with every cell of my being. But my anxious, type A, doer part of my brain has to be constantly reminded to let go.
Glimmers of hope
And, then Wednesday a glimmer of hope.
Finally some concrete proof of all of the work, all of the social media, all of the platform building.
The editors at WordPress featured Ever Upward, completely unbeknownst to me, and one of the best surprises ever! As if that wasn't enough, they called my writing, "at once unflinching and moving". I am so thankful for this amazing compliment and this exposure, to think that I am finally on the radar of the editors at WordPress is something I have only hoped for and dreamed of throughout the last year.
Also, on Wednesday I got the email subscriber list up and running which I've been so excited about. Make sure to subscribe to receive the 30 Day Toolkit to Living Ever Upward.
On top of that the Ever Upward Book Launch Party is almost sold out. Also, the Fertility Compassion Survey received more responses than I could have imagined (I'll be posting about these soon, I promise). And, the Kickstarter campaign for the Ever Upward Book Trailer is more than half funded (only 4 days to go). This support means more than words can ever convey and more than anyone will ever be able to truly realize. I am endlessly grateful.
Do the glimmers take away the fear of judgment?
A little. But, the fact is some will absolutely hate the book. And, many will judge me. However, I will respectfully choose to look to the people who live their lives from a place of love, the people who try to get it and the people who also live their lives wholeheartedly brave.
Do the glimmers erase the panic?
Not completely but they definitely help. Ever Upward may never be a bestseller. But, I will choose to trust that the lives who need the message will find the book in their hands and find their lives changed for the better.
Do the glimmers settle down the doer part of my brain?
I wish they did more but it is also just who I am. So I will continue to tweet, I will keep begging people to read and review and share, I will keep trying, I will keep doing because that's what I do.
Do the glimmers give me more hope?
Absolutely, which means my hope is stronger and the light brighter than ever on giving me more courage.
The courage to fly. The courage to try. The courage to be the magic of ever upward.
If you found this post enjoyable, inspiring, helpful, hopeful, interesting or even infuriating ;), please take the time and the chance to share it through your social media! More shares means more eyes, means more people helped and the message heard on a wider scale. Thank you! Justine