You know how much I believe in the healthy messages in and after the infertility journey; my messages like loss is loss, enoughs and everything, more than our numbers and the complicated gray. My advocacy work continues to struggle to get much footing, it seems the world continues to struggle with the story that didn't end with 2.5 kids.
Yet, I will keep writing, filming and shouting; speaking the unspoken and giving ears to the earless.
While I fight this battle, my friend and fellow warrior who fights like hell, Pamela Tsigdinos of Silent Sorority fights the battle of holding infertility clinics responsible for their level of patient care. Today, I had to share her newest piece, The Cash Cow in 'Fertility' Medicine, as it definitely resonated with me.
"The only paper at the ASRM event to discuss the infertility patient experience in the U.S. reveals only 29.4% of 499 surveyed agreed their nurse mentioned resources for emotional support. That’s truly disturbing given the level of distress raised earlier (Research reveals that distress from a cancer or infertility diagnosis is equivalent, however, cancer survivors have better emotional outcomes)."
For us, it wasn't until our second round where we only retrieved 1 egg that our doctor finally said the words (without any emotion in his voice or eye contact for that matter), "I am, of course, recommending another round, but I understand that sometimes people don't have the finances for it."
That 1 egg never became the healthy child in our arms. We also never had any follow up from our clinic besides a letter almost two months after we ended our journey without a baby saying they would always be there if we wanted to try again (read: $$$).
It is okay to stop. It is okay to stop putting cash in their pockets but most importantly it is okay to stop before it destroys everything good about you, your relationship and your finances.
It is also okay to keep going, only you know what your enoughs and everything is. However, you must also get counseling. This journey is simply too hard to survive, let alone thrive, without help and staying silent.
I also think and see, if you get help and you speak your truth, it could actually work more.
By God, I will get these messages to mainstream media, and especially, to the infertility clinics. Mostly because, the work I do in my office with clients going through the infertility journey and after is both the best and toughest work of my entire career.
Weirdly enough, it is also some of the easiest. Easy only in when we give ourselves permission to speak our truth and to walk into the muck of the complicated gray, life does truly awaken in color. The color and power to create our rainbow life, with or without the baby.
It is in this work, that I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was made the mother I was to help, to love, to speak and to help you do the same.
We only have 4 more days in the final funding campaign for the documentary Don't Talk About the Baby. In support of the campaign Chad and I wrote companion posts and here is mine (you can read his
). Please share far and wide and contribute to the film if you can. Thank you!
The Missed Goal
I sit on the hard bench in the warm sun watching two of our chosen children run the field in the 5 year old soccer game. Lane is running down the field with his arms pumping with a might I’ve never seen before. His little brother Evan trails behind the whole team seeming a bit lost as he is technically a year too young to be playing. Both of them smile the whole game shining pure joy everywhere.
I snap a few pictures with my nice camera to be able to send to my friend Sam later that day. I enjoy watching the boys play for an hour but am also slightly distracted. We attend many of their events; games, concerts and plays. It is an honor and joy to be such an active part of their lives, it is something I am beyond thankful to their parents, our friends, for letting us be.
But there are always the whispers in my heart.
They would have turned four years old later this summer and early fall.
Click here to continue reading.
I have three blog posts in the queue–one on food (borscht and hummus), one on local night life (including our first silent disco experience) and one on boat sitting (which I think I might be able to add to my resume after this trip)–that should come before this one if I stick to my chronological order, but I felt compelled to share this one first. (How does one fall behind when they have no schedule or nothing urgent to do baffles me, yet here I am, three blog posts behind.) Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this topic and am simply sharing my thoughts and feelings from the limited experience I have in hopes of bringing more attention to the topic.
For a long time, mental health concerns was the white elephant in the room. It wasn’t spoken about. It was something people hid. It was considered imaginary or…
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