The Completeness of Just the Beginning


On Friday I was surprised by an email from the Barnes & Noble in Saint Louis where I will be doing my first book signing with this incredible picture! There she is, my baby, on the shelves of an actual bookstore.

I literally gasped with tears of joy.

As I have come to expect of life, my life especially, there will always be joy right along with the struggle.

That night Chad and I attended our first class of a marriage seminar our church offered. I had requested to not be seated with couples who had young children for obvious reasons. We sat down and directly across from me was a woman who was about 6 months pregnant.

I looked at Chad and whispered, "You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Yep, I totally said that in church.

Then we learned the couple next to us was also expecting, 11 weeks along.

I took a breath, held back the tears, looked up, said a quiet prayer and said out loud, "Challenge accepted."

It was a great first class, I learned so much about what a healthy, biblical marriage looks like. I also gained a better understanding of Ephesians 5; an understanding where I do not gag on the word submit.

Class ended and I knew I had to face the pregnant women again tomorrow and I would choose to be okay. When I turned my phone back on I was notified that the Thunderclap campaign went through. Thank God! Of course you can still sign up but since we had 100 people pledge a post it means that over 91,000 people will be notified of the Ever Upward launch on April 7th. When I turned my phone back on, I also was able to read one of the most amazing reviews someone had posted on Amazon!

The dark with the light, the joy with the struggle; this is what you get when you choose to live an engaged, wholehearted courageous life. 

And it is worth every single second.

Saturday night Chad, my parents and my friend Lindsay ventured to the bookstore to see Ever Upward in person. We wandered together at first trying to find that beautiful orange breakaway monarch on the cover but eventually we split up.

"I found it!"

I had shouted way too loud for a bookstore.

I stood there by myself for just a few seconds in this moment of awe; overwhelmed by a completeness and yet, the sense that this is really just being the beginning.


I felt proud. I felt accomplished. I felt happy. I felt deserving. I felt excited.

In that moment I allowed myself to feel all the goodness.


But, along with all that goodness also comes the reminder of the journey I had to survive to get here, the losses that have forever scarred my heart and the part of me that will always be different.

I am learning this journey never ends. I will never be complete or at the end of it; or at least in how I expected. It will only be through my own work and recovery, through my connections and relationships and through my faith that I am okay.

Just as I sang in church today, "I stand in Him complete." And so, even though I may never feel the completeness of finality, I know I can find it in Him. I know He has this; just as He has Maddie and my three never to be babies.

I know in Him I rise ever upward and therefore this is just the beginning.


I am so close to hitting 50 reviews on Amazon before the April 7th launch. If you have read Ever Upward please consider doing a review. Just click the Kindle version of the book, click the customer review link under the title, then click write my own review.

You may also notice I have added a tab in the menu. If you are interested in the all natural health and wellness supplements I personally take and recommend to my clients you can check out more info there.

My Christian Complexity

I am a Christian. I curse...a lot. I have tattoos. I believe in the power of love and connection. I believe in the Universe. I am afraid and brave all of the time. I doubt and question a lot. And, I believe.

I am complex.

The EQUINOX is here on March 20th 2015 and a powerful portal is opening up with a TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE and New Moon in Pisces on the same day!

What does this means exactly. As I have read and been told by some of my much better educated in this realm friends, it means rebirth and starting anew, a reset and the power to get it all done!

Sounds like my kind of magic and exactly what I (and we all) need.

But I had to ask my friend Kaeleigh, "But what does that mean for me?"

To which she reminded me that I am pretty aligned with these things and making the world a better place. But, I had to push her.

"But what can I do?"

I mean, I'd like to capitalize on this too! Ever Upward could really use this power right about now!

And her response seriously made me laugh out loud.

"For you oh, Christian magoo, I suggest meditating and maybe a vision board."

I love it. She's right, how does one combine this kind of thought with their Christian faith?

My self-care includes practices such as yoga, meditation, tapping and believing in the power of the Universe. This may make some Christians cringe. But, when I refer to the Universe I believe the Universe was created by God. And yes, Jesus is my Savior.

Can I hold onto to these truths? I think so. I mean life is hard and people are complicated. And, thus you have the complexity of me. As I think we all are. Just as I told one of my clients today as we were discussing God, life and recovery; do what you feel drawn to, what works for you and give yourself permission that it doesn't necessarily have to fit in one box.

Be you.

Be fully you, in all her complex glory.

I responded to Kaeleigh that this Christian needs some fucking star power, pixie dust, unicorn glitter and magic too. And, so I meditated (as I do every day). And I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more. And read some scripture. And, I made that vision board, filling it with hopes, dreams and realities. And, I've decided to share it with you because then it is like planting it in the fertile ground to grow strong roots toward the ever shining sun. Because, the world needs the light of healthier messages of ever upward in the infertility, loss and recovery world. And, I am ready to shine it.



Only 18 days left on the Thunderclap campaign and 10 pledges left for the world to see Ever Upward on their social media walls on April 7th. Please help me by pledging a post.

If you have read Ever Upward, please consider doing an Amazon review. I am trying to get to 50 reviews by launch. Just click the Kindle version of the book in order to do so. Thank you!