I am doer.
A determined, impatient, fast, get it done and get it done right and get it done quickly doer.
It is in my genes, it has been my who I am and it is piece of me I will forever work on managing so it doesn't kill me.
It is how I have survived two back surgeries and a year in a body cast. It has been how have built a successful private practice. It has been how I have changed my lifestyle. And, it has been how I finished writing and publishing a book in a little over a year.
And, here I am feeling the pull of letting it be to get the hell out of the way while also feeling the push of the work to make sure Ever Upward succeeds.
This balance feels like torture at times. When we have a goal, we do the steps necessary to make sure that goal comes into being.
We get it done.
We work our asses off.
But, maybe there is a point that we have done just about as much as we possibly can and we need to consider letting it be. Put our hands up, take a few steps back from our work, look up, close our eyes and take that deep knowing breath.
The breath of accomplishment; I did that.
The breath of clarity; it is my best.
The breath of fear; what if it isn't enough?
The breath of hope; getting out of the way in order for it to grow.
To let it be.
Because, I have done. I have tried, pushed, begged and worked my bravery more than I ever thought possible. I have sent my work to endless publications. I have sent it to as many people as possible; those who have inspired me, challenged me and who are more successful than me. I have submitted hundreds of times. I have put my book into many hands. All to ask for reviews, for feedback, for help, for anything.
I have done a lot. Exactly as we all do when we really want, really need, something to happen.
But, it also feels terrible (and more and more counter intuitive) to feel like it is never enough
Because what if I am standing in the way of the magic taking off?
How can I trust that the very thing that is making this slow to grow is the very thing that will change many lives?
I must let it be.
I must continue my work in recovery; the writing, the self-care, the relationships, etc. And, most likely be extremely diligent in it because this whole letting it be thing does not come naturally at all to who I am. But, I also know that I want to be the person who trusts God, trusts the universe and trusts the light inside of me.
So I am going to trust. I am going to let go. I am going to let it be.
And, I will tell that part of my brain that wants to do some more, that she has done enough.
It is enough.
She is enough.
*Note: This could also be because I have been meditating for about 20 minutes every day since seeing Gabby speak. I can literally feel the change happening inside of me.
*Opening up this space, even just in writing this post, I have already felt the space for myself and the space to create light up right in front of me. Much, much more to come there...
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